on embracing my Buddha-nature

A survivor's search for inner peace and healing

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I think that we as humans can only be fulfilled if we find a purpose, a meaning, for ourselves in this world. And I think that for every human, that purpose is different.

At least that is how I feel for my self.

But I feel as though I am, and my life is, slowly moving toward realizing what it is that will fulfill me and give my life meaning. And when I have realized it, I will have to act.

I’m not sure what my future holds, but for once I think I am looking forward to it with anticipation.


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speaking with responsibility…

One thing I have been learning as I heal, is letting my voice be heard. Learning how to speak, how to use my voice.

Trauma can become a very nasty, deep hidden secret. One that is never spoken about. Whether because of shame, or fear of retribution, or fear for one’s safety. Your voice can become silenced.

That is how it was with me. The deep seated shame I have felt I am just starting to try and come to terms with. The fact that I was threatened by the man who raped me was always there, always in the foreground. Always right there, on my mind.

But never on my lips.

I never spoke of the trauma until 2008, and I was raped in 1989. That is a mighty long time to be silent. That is a mighty long time to have no voice.

While I am learning how to speak my mind and let my voice be heard in regards to being raped, I am also learning how to use my voice in regards to what I feel is right, and wrong, both with myself, and in this world.

Today I encountered a post in one of the groups I belong to on Facebook. And I quickly became both saddened and angry at all of the derogatory comments being made about the young woman in the picture that was posted. She has a shaven head, tattoos, and was wearing a tank top and thick black rimmed glasses.

I did speak my mind, and voiced my opinion about the comments being made. I was quickly cut down.

But I firmly hold to the belief that I should never judge a book by it’s cover, that I should try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes before I come to a judgment about them, and that I should remember that everyone has a story.

I will continue to stand by those things, they are much more than mere statements or sayings to me. Heaven forbid I ever become as ugly as those who were so judgmental about that woman because of the way she looked.

As I study Buddhism, I find that I am becoming more aware. More aware of my self, of me. More aware of the world around me. And more aware that I must act and speak with responsibility.


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coming back…

I just realized, I’ve been away from here for way too long. It is easy for me to get caught up in the work I am doing in therapy. Not only emotionally caught up, but also physically.

I have been exhausted.

One thing I can feel good about is that I haven’t been away from meditation, deep breathing, my yoga therapy, and my study of Buddhism. At least with those I have kept moving forward.

I think my healing depends on me moving forward with those.

I am hoping to get back to my writing here, because writing helps me to expand the way I think, the way I learn and, the way I heal.


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it’s a start….

And I may add to this list. But this is a start to what I want my day to be, each day, today…

study the lives of those in whom you find inspiration
listen to what they have to say
spend quiet time each day
listen to your inner voice
listen to the universe
learn one thing each day
find what manner of spirituality feeds your soul
practice your spirituality
start your day with a good intention
practice compassion, or learn how to
live by actions, not words
never give up

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the invincible summer….

Albert Camus wrote:

“In the depths of winter, I discovered there was in me an invincible summer.”

I’ve read a lot of Camus. Growing up, he was one of my favorite authors. The Plague, The Stranger, The Myth of Sisyphus, The Fall. I could go on. I think that in the process of reading, I underlined in my copies of his books every phrase, sentence or word that seemed to have profound meaning.

And I know that at some point, I came across this quote of his.

But in reading it today, there is a different meaning for me.

I think that some things only come with age, and with living. There are things that you cannot possibly know when you are 14, but as you live and experience life, you come to a knowledge about those things.

But then again, when we are young, we tend to think we know it all.

At least, I did.

Today, that quote holds much meaning for me. With all I have experienced, lived through, and survived. With all I have come to know about the world and the people in it (which is a minute amount when compared with what the Divine knows).

Today it just feels different to me.

The depths of my winter…the depths of my depression, the depths of my wandering lost, feeling lost, losing all sense of purpose for my life, belief in my self, and hope for any kind of future.

Those are some mighty unfathomable depths. And yet, for all those times I have been swallowed by those depths, still, there has been something else.

To be able to reach up from those depths of my winter, and realize that there is an invincible summer, is a mighty huge feat for me. To be able to realize that there is something else, something more, something huger and something much more positive, a total opposite of those depths of my winter, is a Herculean act.

I don’t know how I was able to find that something else. Was it therapy, my stay in the hospital, Buddhism?

Maybe it was all three of those?

Whatever it was, I have now, today, finally reached that point in my life where I have begun to realize that invincible summer. I can feel it. I can see it. And I realize that it has always been there, somewhere deep inside of me.

It has to have been. Otherwise I don’t believe I would be here today.

Because I believe that that invincible summer being somewhere deep inside of me has played a part in my being a survivor.

I think that invincible summer, for me, is made of strength, and courage, and the will to go on. The will to never give up. And, of course, hope. Hope when I believed there was none. Hope when the last thing I felt inside of my self was hope.

I don’t know how much of each of those three things has played in my realizing that that invincible summer is there inside of me. I do know that since I have started studying and practicing Buddhism, there is a lot that I have realized. My eyes have been opened in ways that they never have before.

I am just glad that I have finally realized that that invincible summer is there, and that it is possible. Because most of my life has been lived in a depth of winter that has kept me frozen in a state of suffering and stagnation for way too long.

I don’t want to live in my winter any more.


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at times…

At times, I find my self unable to write. Unable to speak.

That in itself might not be all that bad.

Except when it affects my ability to speak and write my truth, my story. And when it affects my ability to reflect upon and speak and write about my journey.

Lately, I have been so affected. I have had the desire to write here, but have not been able to.

I am struggling some.

But I refuse to give up and end my journey or stop my self on the path I am on in regards to my healing.

I have struggled like this many many times over the course of this life I am currently living. But today, right now, right here, something is different.

Since I started studying Buddhism, I have not given up. Struggling is not giving up. It is only a hitch in my journey. In the past, I would have let my struggles stop me. I would have given up.

Today, right now, I refuse to give up. Today, I know that I may struggle, but that I also have the ability to work my self through that struggle so that I can continue on my journey.

Today just happens to be one of those times.

Maybe my next today won’t be so filled with struggle.



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