Something has changed inside of me. And I don’t know how.
Maybe it is the fact that I have been meditating on compassion. And that many mornings I start my day with the intention to become compassionate, or more compassionate.
Actually, to just become compassionate, because I feel I have lost all compassion.
Which is very frustrating.
But something has changed inside of me. Over the course of the past two days, I have amazed my self.
I have helped two people.
The first is someone who hurt me pretty badly when I was a child–my mother.
My mother has changed over the course of the past couple of years. And I am trying to see beyond all that she was and did in the past, to now where she has changed. She has not apologized, nor do I think she ever will. But she has changed.
So I have tried to look past that as of late, and just be in my relationship with her. And a couple of days ago, I helped her fix her computer. Since I was successful, she has not stopped raving about the wonderful thing I did for her. She has even told all of her friends what I did for her. But that was not my intention, to hear of her bragging about what I did for her.
I just know what a pain it can be when my own computer is not working. I guess you would call that empathy.
Yesterday, I was playing piano at my VA hospital while I was waiting for an appointment. As I was playing, an old man, a veteran, came into the chapel to listen to me play. He said he was waiting for someone. He was in pajamas, with a id band on his wrist, so I knew he was a patient.
What I did not realize at that time was the fact that he was in a confused state. It was only after about 15 minutes, when he got up and started to go through a back door that is only used by maintenance. I don’t know what is back there, but nothing good for an old man to get into, I would imagine.
After asking him where he was going, it was obvious to me, his state of confusion. I was able to guide him down the hall to the chaplain’s office, and Father Joe helped him find his way back to his “home”. I am glad, because I imagined my own grandfather, who developed alzheimers before he passed. And just as I would not want my grandfather to be hurt by wandering lost and getting into something dangerous, I would not want this old veteran to do so either.
I do have to say, with some surprise, that it felt good to help both of those people. But at the same time, it felt strange.
It feels unnatural, and so contradicts the way I have been lately. The anger I have felt. The lack of compassion that has been me. The frustration I have felt that I have not been able to feel compassion and have only been blinded emotionally by anger.
So, something has changed inside of me. I certainly hope that that kind of change keeps happening inside of me, deep inside the core of who I am.
This is a positive, and progress, which I am very happy for. However, I still have a long way to go.