on embracing my Buddha-nature

A survivor's search for inner peace and healing

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makes me wonder…

I was watching a movie today in which the subject of prayer was brought up.  And it made me wonder.

When I meditate on compassion, for example, I sometimes walk away from my meditation expecting to all of a sudden be filled with the most wonderful feeling of compassion for all around me.

Of course, it never works that way.  And sometimes, I feel like I have disappointed not only my self, but the whole of the universe as well.

After the discussion about prayer in the movie I watched today, I think I can apply what was said of prayer in that movie to my practice of meditation.

Maybe it is that when I meditate on compassion, and set an intention to be more compassionate, maybe it’s not that it will just happen like a bolt of lightning.

Maybe, instead, it is more like, after I walk away from my meditation, the universe will throw situations at me, or people at me, in which I can put into practice that which I have meditated on.  Maybe that person who irritates me has been put in my path so that I can put into practice compassion.

Maybe that old lady whose car is in front of mine, and who is driving extremely slowly, has been put in front of my car so that I can put into practice compassion.

Kind of puts things in a new light for me.  And makes me wonder.


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I have heard a lot of people lately talking about being their authentic self.  About finding who they really are, and about living their lives as who they really are.   Being authentic.  Being true to your self.

Being real.

It is interesting, that what goes around in my brain when I think about being my authentic self, is that to me, it feels like my life becoming filled with me as my authentic self seems like it would be something of a transformation.

The past year and a half have been a journey for me.  A healing journey.  A spiritual journey.  I journey to embrace my Buddha-nature.  A journey to learn and live a more compassionate and fulfilling life.

A journey where, at times, I stumble as I go.

My journey down this path has not been easy.  Many times I take one step forward, and more than one back.  But it has been a journey.   A transformation is arising in me as I walk down this path.  I have come to start to see my authentic self.  Who I have been, who I am, and who I am meant to be.

Who I should have been all along, and the parts of my self that need to change as I continue on my journey.

So, for me, becoming my authentic self feels so much more of a process.  I can see into the horizon of who my authentic self is, and as I journey down my path, I pick up more of the small pieces that will eventually make up the whole of who I really am, inside.

And I think I just answered my own question.

Becoming my authentic self is not something that happens over night.  For me, it is a process.   A process of healing, of self realization, and of strength and courage to begin to live my life as my authentic self, regardless of what any single person in the universe has to say about it.


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drive without judgement….

I have a horrible problem with road rage. Of course, it goes deeper than me just raging at the other drivers on the road. I suppose I should say, I have a horrible problem with anger.

One of the residual negatives of living through trauma. Anger.

One of the worst ways it comes out of me. On the road.

I am working with my therapist to try, firstly, to get me through each day with less expression of my anger behind the wheel. I know that my behavior and actions behind the wheel could become dangerous.

That is a work in progress.

And we haven’t gotten to the heart of the problem yet. I guess, first things first.

On my end, and because my therapist can’t be with me every minute of the day, in other words, when I am behind the wheel, I am trying a few different things. I am trying to modify my driving to the point that I become less enraged as I drive.

I have started with a simple act. Listening to music I find more spiritual and calming as I drive. I have found this helpful.

The other simple act is a mindful act. A mindful thought, and a mantra:

Drive without judgement.

Instead of flipping people off and calling them names, I am trying to drive without judgement.

Without judgement as to how fast or slow they are going. Without judgement as to who they are as people. Realizing that my judgements of other drives may be totally off course. I cannot know them because I have not walked in their shoes.

Drive without judgement.

Drive being mindful of my actions, of the ways I drive.

Drive with safety in mind, and accountability for my own actions.

But above all, drive without judgement.

I have found it helpful, in a big way. And I hope that I can start each day being mindful that it is helpful, and that I can set my intention for the drive in this way.

Then I can start to tackle my anger.


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words of my yoga therapist….

“Wherever it is that you are right now, is where you are supposed to be.”

Pretty profound words. Of course, she was referring to a pose that we as a class were doing. But for me, those words she spoke went far beyond yoga class and a simple pose.

her words give me a lot to think about. In a way, those words are very comforting. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. To be better. To do better. To look better. To be farther along in my study of Buddhism. To be farther along in my healing. To be feeling better, and be having less pain from the accident I was in last week.

After all, I am Super Woman, don’t you know…..

And when I experience a set back, as I did this past weekend, I can bring that hammer down pretty hard on myself.

So, for me, her words were welcome to my ears and to my mind and body and soul. My yoga therapist may just turn out to be one of my best teachers.

I am still pondering on those words, and trying to keep them at the forefront of my day. Maybe setting them as a daily intention for a period of time would be helpful.


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my silence…

I have been silent from here for some time now. Things have happened, some physical. Some emotional.

My physical health is not wonderful. I still am having much pain from the car accident I was in. And I have been feeling very exhausted.

I don’t know what is going on inside of me, emotionally. I have not been able to put my words into writing. Between being exhausted, and not being able to write, I have been left tired and frustrated.

I don’t fully understand what it is that is going on inside of me, but hopefully with some thought and meditation, I will come to understand what it is, and what I can do to take care of my self.

Hopefully I will be back in full form, and writing soon.

Thank you for having patience with me.



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